Is there another tree?

In so many cases, I have tried to rely on my own strength. These past few weeks have been no exception. 

I have been waiting for a letter to pop up in my mailbox for a few weeks now, and yesterday it arrived. It wasn't until late last night that I heard that still small voice telling me that I needed to just let it go, and remember Who is ultimately in control. 

In so many ways I try to convince myself that I can do it all by myself, even though half the time I don't even realize I'm telling myself this. It's an odd thought to even try to comprehend, but it's the truth. I just don't center my life around Christ the way I should. So, He throws something my way that forces me to do so. It's not that I wasn't remembering Him, wasn't remember to read His Word or to pray, I just wasn't giving Him all of the burdens I have carried. 

Sometimes, I believe, The Lord gives you trials even when you are "doing everything right." 

I am human. I still make mistakes. I still focus on certain things when I should be focusing more or simply also on others. We all do this. We think that these menial tasks in life will be able to be taken care of by ourselves. Which...is true. I won't lie and say that these things can't be done by us alone. But our Father did not give us His Son so that we could do things on our own. 

Instead, He gave us His Son to walk right beside us, holding our hand, sometimes carrying us along, so that we did not HAVE to do these things alone. 

Have you ever done a simple task, like driving to the store, and realized once you got there that everyone and their brother was driving like maniacs and you could have been hit about three different times? Have you ever been in the store and realized you can't find that one item you desperately need for the birthday meal you'll be cooking for someone? Have you ever needed that venti latte but didn't have that extra $2 for it? Now remember how you got to the store safely. Remember how that little old woman went right to that item you needed and got her's and you just acted like it was nothing to pick up the same item. Remember how you found not $2, but $5 in your jeans. 

See how that works? God knows infinitely ahead of time what we will need to get through our day. 

God knows.

Everything.

This is something that has baffled me and perplexed me for a long time, but ever since my car accident, it has amazed me. Remember how He planted that tree several years ago that saved my life? 

Why shouldn't I believe that He has yet another tree somewhere? 

I could have been Jonah.

Today in church, Pastor McBride said a few things that stuck with me:

• Don't just pray when you are in the midst of the storm. Pray before it even hits.

•  Jonah didn't go into the fish because we were to see Jonah, he went into the fish so we could see his God.

Of course, we all know that we should seek The Lord during a trial, during those times when we are in the "belly of a whale," so to speak (We are in the book of Jonah right now). But what I never seem to remember is the simple fact that I need to seek God before those trials come. 

It's inevitable. We are going to go through things in our life that will cause our hearts to ache, our minds to race, and our bodies to be weak.Since we know this, why don't we just pray ahead of time? Why don't I myself prepare? 

 

*****

 

A little blessing:

 

We came to Panera. I went up to buy a drink. The girl at the register said "It's okay. I got it." It was simple, but it was so sweet.

 It's the little things in life that I appreciate the most. 

"Do you have a question?"

|After Bible class today, I was waiting for my friend to finish taking a quiz. 

I was casually sitting in a desk when Mr. Twigg, my teacher, asked if I had a question. "No, I'm just waiting for her," I smiled. He said "oh, okay," and continued with getting his things together. 

I was kind of surprised, because he asked me how my semester was going. He asked my major, asked what classes were bothering me. Several times he would say "Not trying to be nosey, but.." He asked many questions about why I chose a Humanities major. I explained why; I told him about Jeremy and how he helped mold my love for the disabled. I told him of how Jeremy showed me what I wanted to do. I told him how Jeremy passed away and how much I have missed going to the group homes. Mr. Twigg asked a few other questions about what I specifically want to do with my major.

 But it was what he said after, when we were basically done with the conversation, that really got my attention.

 "Have you ever thought that maybe your spiritual gift is mercy?"

 I stumbled with my words, because, honestly, I had never thought about it. I had never thought about what talent God had given me. I thought about what mercy is and how I could possibly show mercy in my life. Someone who barely knows me, only being my teacher for two semesters, just heard about what I want to do and asked if my gift was mercy.

 I just came back to my room and got on Pinterest, and look what popped up- this quote. And it all made sense. I am able to show mercy so easily because of the mercy that God shows me. His mercies are new every day. He has showed such immense mercy to me, how could I not show it to others? My mercy does not come from within myself, it comes from who God is. Because mercy is not something God has, but something God is. And that- to have the adjective "merciful" placed before my name- is the greatest compliment, for I am being complimented by something that defines God. 

Humbling. So humbling. 

I can do this. Right?

I'll admit, I miss home. 

I miss the freedom of being able to go to my grandparents' house. 

I miss grabbing my keys and driving around. 

I miss hanging out with my friends.

I miss sleeping in my bed. 

I miss dance parties while cleaning my house.

I miss my Ninna.

I miss my tree. 

I miss. . . everything. 

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My heart is pretty heavy. There is so much that needs to get done in the next 26 days, and I just simply feel overwhelmed with all of it. 

I don't know how I'm supposed to pull my grades up. I don't know how I'm supposed to rest. I can sleep, but I haven't rested in a week. My back is beginning to hurt, my chest is heavy, my head is pounding, and my eyes are strained. 

I keep attempting to pray, to ask for strength. I feel like that's all I'm saying anymore.

"Lord, give me strength to get through..." 

Its all I keep asking. I thank God for this school and this opportunity, but sometimes I feel like I'm not cut out for this. 

I think everyone gets to this place in a semester, but I've been pushing my stress away, suppressing it. 

But here it is. Front and center. 

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I can do this. 

Right? 

**************************

My heart is just so heavy. I am feeling the weight of everything. 

God will help me through this. 

I know He will. 

But that doesn't mean I'm not struggling.

************

Please pray for the students at my school. Everyone is stressed with grades, classes, sleep deprivation, and just life.

I'm just so thankful for my little life. I really am. I'm thankful that I have something to stretch me this far. I'm thankful for a Savior that has saved me from myself so many times. I'm thankful that my heart is soaring with joy while I'm deeply stressing out.

**** 

"Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love."

Story time. 

I had just called Ninna and cried. I was defeated by everything around me. I was overwhelmed and I didn't feel like continuing with school. But Ninna said that I should. I needed to pray. God would help me. "Put it on Facebook! [insert name here] puts stuff up all the time for prayer requests!" To be honest, I felt annoying. I can't explain why, but it just felt weird to be asking for prayers for a little presentation. Everyone else had tests and papers and quizzes, so why should someone pray for mine? Nevertheless, I asked. And here is the rest of the story. 

I was studying. Around 12:30 am I realized I had a quiz in my Origins class first hour. I hadn't studied yet. I studied for a little while. And then I studied for other things. 

The next morning, I went to origins and got a good grade!! I walked out of class and had a few texts from people saying they were praying. One from my grandpa. And he texted me later saying that in their (grandma and grandpa) devotions, they read about trusting God. God will make a way for His people. (Isaiah 43:14-21) and that was a huge encouragement to me. 

I had a brit lit test after chapel, and I did well on that, too! I was so excited and blessed. God was showing me little blessings all day. He was helping me through the tests and quizzes I didn't even think to go to Him for. 

At work, I was anxious. I had 2 hours of work before my presentation, and-- ask the girls-- I was anxious. My stomach was in knots. My throat was dry. 

And then I was actually sitting in class, waiting. I almost passed out. I felt like throwing up. My friend Mike kept reassuring me that I would do fine. 

I went up and began my presentation. I stumbled. A lot. I made up weird sentences. I still have no idea what I said. 

I was upset when I walked away because I didn't feel like I did well. 

I was upset for 2 reasons. 

1. I simply wanted to prove to everyone that I could do it. I haven't gotten through a single Spanish presentation yet, in my two years of taking these classes. 

And

2. I wanted to have a great story about how God gave me all the words, because of everyone who prayed. I wanted to post that everyone's prayers worked and that God really does hear! 

But

I didn't feel like I had that story. I didn't do well. I had to walk away because I couldn't remember anything. And everyone still thought of me the same- the girl who can't get through a presentation. No one has ever been rude to me about it, but I feel inadequate in these things. 

I went to dinner with my friend, Brittni, and she asked me to go to Christian service with her. I honestly did not feel up to it. How could I be a blessing to them when I felt like God wasn't blessing me for my hard work nor blessing everyone's prayers? 

Then another friend asked me to go as well.

So I went. 

And we sang to the residents of the Baymont  nursing home. And prayed with them. And there is no way I could have blessed them more than they blessed me. 

One lady I remember the most, she was Greek. My heart ached for her because she had her rosary beads and her Catholic Bible in her hands. But I sang to her. And she cried. I went to her and she pulled me in to hug her. She kissed my cheek, like the Greek do, and she said in her broke English, "Thank you so much." 

I had no desire to go. But that meant the world to me. 

I left (but didn't want to!), and felt so much love and joy. 

On our way back to the school, I decided to see if Mrs. Kozar (THE best teacher I have had so far) had put up the grades yet. I scanned. "OP Testimonio" was the first line. I followed the line and saw my grade. 

My mouth dropped. 

"GUYS! You will NOT believe this!!" 

I smiled. So much. I got a 74! It may not sound like a good grade to you, but for me? That's AMAZING! 

I called grandma and grandpa today and told them the longer version of this story (yes it could be longer), and I told them this:

I felt so ashamed. God wanted to show me how great He is! Oh ye of little faith! That was me! I knew He COULD help me, but I didn't believe He would. But everyone that prayed for me had bigger faith than I did! They knew God would help me. 

So.

Thank you. Thank you to everyone who prayed, texted, called, set a reminder, commented on the post, and trusted in our amazing, majestic, all-powerful God! 

You all are blessings to me. 

And I thank God for all of you. 

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